And you were gone.

14 May 2012 @ 12:51 am

Dear Journal,

My mother is literally suffocating me. She has told me a lot. I am pretty sure it is not the full, whole story yet. I locked up the previous post, out of respect for her. Well, not that she knows about what I post online anyway.

She has just taught me not to simply trust anyone. What she had just told me, was suffocating for me. I am not to tell anyone else.

I want to believe her. But I am unable to differentiate the truths from lies anymore. What is real and what is fake? I am constantly living in my own world. My own self-serving virtual reality. Where it is just me & my favourite people - TVXQ & Shinhwa, basically KPOP world or my favourite Anita-Blake-series world. No friends and no family. Anything that has made me sad, even once, is not included. (okay, excludes TVXQ. I miss them too much, it's too hard to be living in a world without them.)

I ought to believe her. But I quote my cousin: The things she says are too incredulous.
My mother. The truths. The lies. The strangers.

I end off with the quote I got from Charlene that is in the previous, now locked post:
These times are difficult and I kind of wished I wasn't alive to go through them.
I really wished.

Tags: moody

Current Location: weary

Current Music: Implode - BoA

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11 May 2012 @ 12:47 am

OLD

Dear Journal,

Slowly, slowly. I feel like I'm slipping into the 2 years ago me.
I tell myself: No, I am trying really hard to resist it.

But the truth is, I think I'm not trying my hardest.

So, I'm gonna collate a playlist of songs with many many happiness.
For example, TVXQ's Balloons, H.O.T's Happiness.

Maybe injecting some extrinsic happiness will make me happier.

#fingerscrossed

Tags: moody, random

Current Location: room

Current Mood: cold

cold

Current Music: 목소리 - 백지영

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07 May 2012 @ 12:47 am

PRAY

Dear Journal,

Mom prays for them to stop.

I pray for her to stop.

God makes everything a vicious cycle.

誰かすべてを停止？できますか？

Tags: locked

Current Location: bed

Current Mood: cynical

cynical

Current Music: 슬픈 예감 - 김여희

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01 April 2012 @ 09:43 am

FAINT

Dear Journal,

I'm going faint from all the things I'm finding out.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Tags: via ljapp

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27 March 2012 @ 07:54 am

슬픈 예감

Dear Journal,

I cried.
Then after awhile, I stopped.

I stopped, not because that was the end. Because that was all my tear ducts were able to produce.
Or maybe that was all I was able to cry for.

I am tired about all the drama that is surrounding my mother.
I had never ever brought this up to anyone. Neither am I going talk about it here.
But I am tired of it all.

What made us suffer so much like this?

What puts us into obstacles like this?

What made us suffer so much like this?

What puts us into obstacles like this?

Don't you think what your mind has conceived had put us into this situation?
You always say that I had no heart for others.
It's just that I have no idea how to love.
And you will probably say, this is because I do not read the bible.
Because I do not read the bible, therefore I do not know anything.

Maybe that is why I turned out this way.
I did what I want. There is nothing more important than what I want.
After all, I had no heart for others.

When I tried to be truthful, everyone just throws it back into my face.
Then I wonder, aren't those the very people that I am supposed to be able to confide in?
Why do they always belittle the courage I managed to summon and the issues that I had told them in confidence?
Then you wonder why the things I said, were always so heart-wrenching.

Why am I the only 21 year old girl left.
Now everyone will only remember you, bitch. You were the youngest girl, already very much loved by everyone.
But me, I doubt anyone will remember about me.
Do you know how much I was looking forward to the 1000 bucks that will be given?
It was supposed to go into my SK fund, where I could get away from anyone and start anew.
But you took that away from me by committing suicide.
Do you know how much I hated you for that?

You were barely 21 and you decided to take your life.
Do you even know how stupid that decision is?
I wish you were able to see how regretful your decision is.
Then maybe you would had appreciated more and thought twice about your decision to leap off the roof.

"Looked at the ground from 9 floors up, and wondered what goes through people's minds when they decide to give it all up."
- Yan Kay Kay

That is my only question for you.

She committed suicide - only 4 people knew.
Yet, only 2 were able to offer comforting words. The other 2 had no reaction.
Everyone knew that I wasn't close to her. But no one knew I was upset because I couldn't bring myself to tell.
I couldn't bring myself to admit to anyone that I was actually sad over her death.

I was only planning to tell Xiang Ling. But since Ying Quan asked, I told her and Agnes while we were having supper.
Because they were my friends, close friends, people that could be trusted, I told them.
A simple acknowledgement and the topic about that, has ended.

Total number of people that I trust, can be counted on 10 fingers.

1) Kaixin
2) Tiffany
3) Yan Ling
4) Agnes
5) Ying Quan
6) Xiang Ling

Cheryl is not on that list, unfortunately. She is someone that I had grown distant to. Regretful, but inevitable.

Kaixin would have seen it from her psychologist view. The last I need, is a doctor POV.
Tiffany offered me comfort, which I was really thankful for. I told her because I had no choice; I needed her connections.
I did not want to tell her because I was afraid she will throw it back into my face. Like she did back then.
Yan Ling - I didn't tell her because I simply didn't and did not want to. She always found out about them anyway.

Agnes and Ying Quan:
I thought at least I could have been truthful to them and maybe opened up about how I felt.
I even tried again with Ying Quan after we left Agnes' house after visiting her.

But nothing. Nothing at all.
Disappointed? Yes. But then again, after reflecting, who am I to feel that way?
I might have reacted the same way, considering how heartless I am.

Agnes' relationship with me, is becoming like Cheryl's. Growing distant.
The only reason why we had not become so, is because of the there were the 4 of us.
I can't even relate to her anymore, because we are so different on so many levels.

Ying Quan - virtually impossible to tell her anything because she would have changed to topic to something else.
It was so evident. The last time the clique went out for dinner, TXL was talking about her boyfriend issues, and every few sentences, she would have cut in to say something irrelevant. "You see XXX! HAHA What is he doing!"

How, how do I even try?

Xiang Ling:
I learnt that I was a burden.
She, I guess you could say, opened up about how she felt towards her boyfriend.
He was someone that she could have relaxed thoroughly with.
And I learnt that day, that I was not.

Maybe I am whining again, because everything isn't so. But I can't help feeling that way.
With us, with me, we were people that she took care of. Not people that she could have relaxed with.
I was shocked. Shocked to the core to find out this truth.
Then came the regret again. The regret that I chose her to confide all my issues with.
As a friend, I had failed utterly because I couldn't have done the same for her.

She, they, all of them were people I could relaxed with, people I could trust
I single-mindedly, stupidly, thought that they felt the same way. Apparently, it wasn't the case.

What made us suffer so much like this?

What puts us into obstacles like this?

What made us suffer so much like this?

What puts us into obstacles like this?

“I love you,” the words I won’t be able to say anymore

“I love you,” the words I can’t say anymore

“I love you,” the words I can’t say as I look towards you

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you

Why didn’t I understand you?

You must have been lonely and hurt
Listen to a lot of things I wanted to say, but couldn't

“I love you,” the words I won’t be able to say anymore

“I love you,” the words I can’t say anymore

“I love you,” the words I can’t say as I look towards you

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you…

- 슬픈 예감 - 김여희

I am tired.
I want a 'Red Card' from all this.

사랑해 이제 하지 못할 말
사랑해 이제 할 수 없는 말
사랑해 이제 너를 보며 할 수 없는 말

Tags: death, moody, random

Current Location: bed

Current Mood:

indifferent

Current Music: 슬픈 예감 - 김여희

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26 March 2012 @ 02:54 pm

도망자

Dear Journal,

얼느날, 난 도망갈거야.

친구들로부터 도망

가족으로부터 도망

달. 도망갈거야.

Tags: random

Current Location: bed

Current Mood: drained

drained

Current Music: Moonlight Sonata - Ludwig van Beethoven

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22 March 2012 @ 11:55 pm

가족

Dear Journal,

보통의가족살구싶어.

Tags: moody, random

Current Location: bed

Current Mood:

frustrated

Current Music: 보통 - 백지영

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29 February 2012 @ 05:52 am

THE IRONY

Dear Journal,

My cousin, same age as me but 5 months younger, passed away. To be more accurate, she committed suicide. From the eleventh story of the HDB. It happened around the evening time, 5 or 6pm. She reformatted her computer; they couldn't find any of her poly mates' numbers. Yeah, you're probably thinking the same as I am. The people who were probably the cause of her death is the poly mates. No one knows; guess we'll find out more when we head down to RP later.

But the reason why I decided to journal this down is because of the irony. I couldn't cry at all. Not even drop a crocodile tear or two. However, when I watched the part when Yeon Woo's father gave the poison to Yeon Woo, I teared. For a family who was the same age as me, I couldn't even tear. When it comes to a ridiculous show, I teared.

Yeah in your mind, it prolly goes like wtf and more vulgarities. Idk. I am nonchalant. You can walk away from me & I wouldn't do a single shit. I can't even cry for a family.

While I'm typing this, I am suddenly reminded of Anita Blake books. Kill me, such a big fan of the series but I can't remember this part properly. But the gist is something like, you are tryna blame yourself for something you can't help. Idk if it is my subconscious mind tryna justify me not being able to cry for a dead family.

I don't know how to describe myself. She's family, I ought to be more sad. Or at least portray myself to be so. I don't know what to say anymore. I ought to be ashamed of myself, but I feel this is just the way I am.

I don't know. But if anything, I fervently hope I will not have to use the 'death' tag ever again.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Tags: death, locked, via ljapp

Current Location: home

Current Mood: nonchalant

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14 November 2011 @ 09:40 am

STUPID

Dear Journal,

Current class classmate gave the whole class some chocos. Van Houten ones w almond.

Suddenly, I remembered Gavin telling me back in secondary school that almond is pronounced as all-mon(ster).

I went to googled how to pronounce it & HAHAHA There are like 4 kinds of pronunciation.

Gavin's pronunciation was one of them.

#random

Tags: moody, random, school

Current Location: RP - W47N

Current Mood: cranky

cranky

Current Music: 발밤발밤 - 홍광호

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01 November 2011 @ 10:11 am

DREAM

Dear Journal,

I had the shittest dream ever. Not nightmare kind though. Doesn't scare me but still. I hate it.

I woke up all cranky and annoyed. Slightly shaken?

Grrgh.

Anyways,

I have been meaning to do this post on past life for ages.

I feel that I haven't really lived because I cannot remember my past life.

Kinda LOL but really!

I learnt from the past life forum that you can understand so much of your present life from your past life.

le sigh. more later.

Tags: random

Current Location: RP - W45P

Current Mood: annoyed

annoyed

Current Music: 내겐 너니까 - Hyo Rin

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